It has to be the Perfect Tree Dammit

Remember that one time that I put up three different Christmas Trees in one day because I was desperately trying to focus on making sure that we had the perfect Christmas Tree instead of dealing with the fact that my Dad wasn't going to be around for this year's favorite Holiday....

If you've lost a loved one before- whether it was years ago, one year ago, or very recently then you might be able to relate.

It's Not About the Tree Dammit!

“Do you ever wonder why you're acting like such a psycho and then realize that you have a totally legit reason for being a nut-job? This..is a lot like that.”

A little over a year ago I lost one of the people that means the very most to me. My Knight in Shining Armor, my Hero, my corniest joke-teller, my Best hug giver, my biggest Cheerleader, my Go to Guy, my Dad. It was right before we headed into the Holiday season and we lost my Grandmother, His Mom, the same day that we lost him so His services were actually postponed until further into the Holidays. Looking back to that year it's most likely why the entire Holiday season was a blur and also why we got through them without too many melt downs. We were just in shock. Lately I've been a little emotional and I had a situation with a Christmas Tree (or three) that had me wondering why I was acting like such a psycho and then I realized that I had a totally legit reason for being a bit of a nut-job!

Holidays are Rough

Fast forward a year later and the approaching favorite Holiday that is Christmas! We made it through Thanksgiving and I could already feel the tears lurking behind my eyes as my daughter and I pulled out all of the decorations weeks before we normally would. As we began playing all of our favorite Bing and Dean songs my throat got thick and I knew I was in trouble. After the kids were safely out of ear shot and eyesight I began pulling up photos and videos of Dad. I'd wait till I was alone in the car to sob until I was a hiccuping ball of snot.

What had happened was...

When we got out our beautifully flocked 9.5 ft Christmas tree and began to put it together in our new home it was exactly as I had suspected. The ceilings in the new house were much lower than the old house and the tree wasn't going to fit. Now, a rational mind would say that this is no big deal and who really cares. It's still beautiful. Just leave it as is and put the ornaments on it and go on with the Holidays...But it kept gnawing at me and each time I started getting blue about my Dad I would switch gears and instead think about how I could fix the Christmas Tree issue. Because I can control that!! Which brings me to yesterday....

Maybe Manic

“I realized I might be a bit more manic than I originally thought when I also decided to purchase a 5 ft x 5 ft Portrait of Santa himself, but details shmeetails!

It started off like any normal day. I decided we'd go buy a new, shorter 7.5 foot Christmas tree! Surely this was what was bothering me. I had the day off anyway, so it was perfect. Off we went to Hobby Lobby to get our new Snow Flocked shorter Tree. I realized I might be a bit more manic than originally thought when I also decided to purchase a 5 ft x 5 ft Portrait of Santa himself as well, but details shmeetails! We get the goods back to the house and convince my oldest to assist in putting up our new Tree. Only, it didn't look as good in our house as we'd thought it looked in the store. I was more upset than I should have been. Tearful even....Over a Christmas Tree. And this is when I began to realize that this wasn't about a Tree...But I was too deep to turn back now. We couldn't have this pitiful wirey bright white abomination be our tree!! I geared back up (put my sweat pants back on) and headed back out into the wet and gross weather to see what Walmart had to offer. With a weird mix of what can only be described as determination, sadness, and possibly even mania induced fever I whipped my basket through the Holiday department and preceded to tear open every box they had of 7.5 foot trees to inspect them. As well as began a list of the number of tips each tree had for comparison and this is when my daughter decided to tell me that maybe this wasn't about the tree. All I could say in the moment was "Duh. Now help me open these faster so I don't get thrown out of the store..." Fast forward three hours and another tree erected, decorated, and me sitting crying on my couch thinking about how much the Santa portrait has my Dad's eyes...and I'm finally willing to admit that it wasn't ever about the Tree dammit.

I just miss my Dad.